Right, so because I didn't binge I should have maintained or at least lost a little right? I gained two fucking pounds. WTF? I'm hoping it's just waterweight because I did weigh myself yesterday after taking a heap of laxatives, so maybe thats it but fuckity fuckfuckfuck.

Dancing Sparks: Yay! someone actually commented, thankyou I love you! I need to be at 110 by Tuesday because it's the start of the new school year here, I'm starting Year 11. I was planning to be at 103 but that was a few weeks ago when I was not binging and purging like hell.

Tra la la la

No binging today!!! I ate far far far too much, but it was all spread out, so I don't count it as a binge!! I'm so excited I actually feel like exercising. (I have this issue where if I binge I feel like shit and if I feel shitty I don't exercise. It would be logical that if I binged, I would exercise to burn it off, but nope, something has got to be wrong with me.)

I also went and saw Black Swan, which was epic. It's not often that good movies have a sad (ish) ending, but Black Swan made it work. I also ordered Wintergirls yesterday. It should get her Wednesday/Thursday. I'm quite excited. School starts the day after tomorrow. I'm quite excited, I hope I get nutrition this semester! Anyway, I need to go sleep and exercise, have a brilliant night!

Again, hell.

I thought you guys deserved another post so here goes...

Well, hell. At the moment I'm just hoping to be at least 110 by Tuesday, being 103 is fucking impossible.
And it's all my fucking fault. I kept saying I'll do better tomorrow, I won't binge it will all work out...
That never happened. Everyday for the past week I have binged at least once. Usually about 2-4 times. Fuck. I'm now hovering about 112-114, I need to be at least 110.2 by Tuesday. I just need to stop binging. It's not even like I'm hungry or anything. I just eat. Hell. I need to lose 3lbs in two days.

Wish me luck, 'cos I'll need it.

Tired...

I'm so tired.
Not just physically, but emotionally.
I don't want to bother anymore. I
'm tired of trying to get thin, I'm tired of failing, tired of eating.
Tired of living.
I'm not suicidal or anything I just feel so numb and empty, I don't know what to do.
I'm just coasting through on autopilot.

I just want to sleep my life away.

Tomorrow, Toorrow...

Fuck. FuckFuckFuck. Normally I don't swear but, fuck. My weight gain went up to 110.2. Sunday I lost a bit. Monday I lost a bit. Today I gained. And I ate less yesterday. I should have lost but I gained. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. I ate less yesterday and hell. I'm mini-fasting 'til dinner tonight. Why? Because last night I decided I would take my bestie out to her favourite restaurant. I had it all planned because I thought I would lose. Hell. It's a fucking pasta restaurant. I'll fast, weigh myself before I go, and just have soup. This ruins everything. I NEED to be down to 103 by Tuesday next week. I have to do it.

On another note, I'm seeing my therapist today. We're going to make a list of rules about what I can and can't eat to get my binging purging under control. Yay! Because I talked a bit about what I can/can't eat last night and hopefully when we go grocery shopping today I've convinced her not to buy any junk foods.

Hopefully things will look up tomorrow.

-Kit

I wanted to tell you my eating was back on track, but it isn't.

Everything feels so hopeless...

Well, things just keep getting worse. It's my fault I know.

For some reason I'm freaking out about having to go to work. 1-2 weeks ago it was fine, now it's the most terrifying thing you could ask me to do. I don't know why, and I really want to quit. It's stressing me out, which in turn is causing me to binge/purge, which is making me feel fat, which makes me feel stressed and so it goes on in a big circle. Yay.

Last night I cried. I can't remember the last time I cried. I always feel awful because other people will be upset and crying at times, but I'm not because I don't feel that upset. I cried because I am fat. And I didn't think I would make my goal by Monday. Other people cry over vaguely sensible things. Normal things. But I am fat. I have gained weight. I have to lose 2 kgs (4.4lbs) in 3 days to be at my goal. I will make it. I will I will I will.

Hell

Hell. Hell hellhellhell.

My therapist asked me to go to a friends place for the afternoon and cook some food, because I knew I wouldn't cope staying overnight. So, Tuesday, I went and cooked some food, and was preparing to go home, when they invited me to stay over night and I couldn't find and polite way of saying no. I delayed them for one night.

Then last night happened. I stayed over. And Binged. And Purged. And felt like hell. And gained weight. Every thing's going to hell. I want to do this right. I need to be under 48kg by Monday. I will be there.

Because I have to be.

Work

Ok, so I'm not going to update you on the last few days, because thay have been bad. Just plain bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.

But I'm thinking of quitting work when I return to school. I really feel that it's taking up too much valuable studying/exercising time. It's really stressing me out. But I really want the extra money. I'm so confused. I know I can always get another job, but I'm afraid I won't. Because I don't feel good enough. I'm never good enough. I never will be.

I feel so lost.

Ok, so yesterday after dinner I binged. Twice. I purged of course, but hell I felt awful. I ended up doing 800 crunches instead of 500, but it still didn't feel like enough. But on the good side I now weigh 48.5 (107), which is 300gms under my goal , which is really good. This doesn't mean that I'm allowed to binge though. Binging is a big no-no.

Also today I have my meeting with my therapist. I plan on lying to her about how much I'm eating (she doesn't weigh me, so she wont know I've lost weight).

Not much else to say, you may get another post at the end of the day. (You won't get one tomorrow morning because I'm out of the house by 8AM to clean my grandmother's house.)

-Kit

Ok, so it's the end of the day so here's an update.

Today I was going to do 6 lines, but then by this afternoon I was feeling really, really light headed and dizzy so I took 2 panadols, before stupidly deciding to have some slice. I ended up eating 3 pieces of white choc brownies and 1 piece of choc slice. I then purged. Then I had one piece of white choc slice just to see if I could keep it down and hopefully not feel so nasty.

After that I took my dog for a walk, before feeling really sick like I was going to throw up. Probably because my body isn't used to so much refined sugar at once. I cut my walk short and threw up the remainder of the slice at the end of our street. It tasted really acidy, probably because my body was trying to absorb it before I purged. I'm not going to write the slice down in my book, but I'm not going to have my after dinner dried fruit in an attempt to reach tomorrow's goal. As for exercise, I'm not going to do any leg work, but I will do 500 sit ups. I also did 36 minutes of yoga (I know it's not high impact, but I'm trying to help my body recover.)

Tomorrow I have my meeting with my therapist and I'm hoping that I reach my goal.

Hope your day was better than mine.

-Kit

Yesterday was awful. To stop my legs from being so sore, so that I could actually go to work my Mum rubbed them for me and then I put them in a cold shower. (I could never have a full cold shower because my body temperature is usually lower than most people's. I think I could manage a cold bath/swimming pool or ocean though.) That helped, although my legs were still really sore all day. I felt lightheaded, had a really terrible stomachache and had bile that kept rising up my throat. Probably because I was running on only a green tea. I had my lunch break of four prunes. Also, to sit down yesterday I had to use my arms to lower me into a chair, because my legs were so awful.

Ok, so after work I came home and slept until 6:10, but stayed in bed until a little after 7. I decided not to eat dinner, because I wasn't going to exercise that night. So, all day I had a cup of green tea and 4 prunes. But, the good news is that I'm down to 48.9 (107.9), only 100gms away from tomorrow's goal! Which is excellent. Today I'm on six lines, and I'm not going to do my massive exercise tonight, but do maybe 2 hours walking and some yoga to stretch a bit. I'm hoping that will be enough to bring me down.

Wish me luck!

-Kit

P.S I'm really sorry for all the complaining in this post, hopefully tomorrow's will be better!

I feel like I should post everyday, otherwise, you might never hear from me again. (Now wouldn't that be a shame?)

I'm down to 49.4 (109lbs) I lost 600gms, which is 100gms more than I expected. I completed my five lines with ease yesterday and I decided to go down to 4 lines today. The good thing is I'm working 5 hours today and I get a lunch break and I'll tell my Mum that I had hot chips or something disgusting, when I will actually have 4 prunes. I looooove prunes, but my Mother thinks I eat too much of them, so it's better that she doesn't know. The bad part about working 5 hours today is that I have been exercising more and my legs are hurting like hell. They were stiff yesterday and I didn't want to exercise last night, but I did it anyway and now it's really painful to stand. I work as a waitress, so I'm only my feel all day. At the moment I've just been thinking to myself it's not going to kill you, it's not going to kill you. I'm just praying that we're not busy today, but unfortunately the sky is looking nice and clear which is a bad sign. The good thing is that it's January and January is our least busy month.

-Kit

My Weight Goals and My System

 

So here we go with another post.

 

I have a calendar! It's another one of those things where it doesn't sound important, but it is. Why? Because each day I have been writing my weight on it so that I can track whether I'm losing or gaining. I also put weight goals on there, so that by a certain day I want to be that weight. At the moment I'm 50kg (110.2) By Monday (17^th) I want to be 48.8 (approx 107.3) because I go and see my therapist. (That's a loss of 500gms a day. I haven't seen her for a few weeks because of Christmas, New Year's, they were moving building etc. It means that I'll have lost around 5kg (10lbs) which is good. That only gives me 3 days in which to lose weight, but I know I can do it.

Also, by the time I go back to school (1^st February) I want to be 46.8 (102lbs) because that's quite close to my lowest weight.

Last year when I hit my lowest weight 45kg (99lbs) none of my friends got to see my progress because it was the middle of winter and we have winter uniforms. (Long skirt, stockings, blouse, jumper and jacket.) But we go back in summer where we wear summer dresses. I know 102lbs isn't very low, but it's a fair bit less than most of my friends. (Most of them are all around in the 120's or higher.) One of my friends has a metabolic problem so she's seriously skinny. She really looks like she should be hospitalised or something. She lost some more weight at the end of last year (not by any fault of her own) and she complained to me and a friend "I've lost more weight and now I look anorexic, I want to look like you guys, you guys are like healthy skinny!" My friend and I reassured her that she looks fine, that we're both too fat to be healthy skinny; I don't think it really helped, but I don't know what else we could've done. (I think she does look fine in my opinion, but I want to be thinner than her).

I also want to lose weight before I go back to school because a lot of my friends have lost weight not like massive amounts but enough that it's noticeable. I'm moderately sure that they're just trying to be healthy, but it makes me quite jealous. My friend was talking to me about what she was eating and I said to her "Why aren't I allowed to lose weight? All you guys have lost heaps of weight; I want to lose weight too!" She told me that if I lost any more weight I would be anorexic. That's really not true, because to be classified as anorexic I would need to weigh 102 or less. (That's not including other diagnostic criteria.) In my opinion at 102 I still look just as fat as I did at 124, and I'm never going to get that fat again. I want to feel thin.

 

Ok, this is getting really long, but if I don't write this all out, it'll just get saved for another day and I won't be able to keep you up to date. I also wanted to tell you how I organise what I eat. I don't count calories religiously because that has driven me insane, and a lot of the stuff I eat I find it really hard to count (2 grapes or 2 dried dates or 2 dried crackers.) and I know more than enough to guesstimate them. I usually try to overestimate, just to make sure I'm not telling myself I'm eating more than I actually am.

Anyway, the main way I organise how much I can eat is by my system which I call lines. I keep a food diary, and each day I'm only allowed a set amount of lines. These past few days I have been allowed eight lines. Now that sounds like a lot doesn't it? But, the way I've structured it, it's not. For breakfast yesterday I had or a tea, no milk, no sugar. (1 line.)  Lunch was a rice cake with promite (1 line.) then I had half a teaspoon or promite (1 line.) Then I had 2 grapes which is another line. Then a blackberry, another line. For dinner I had a flavoured rice cake another line. After dinner I had 2 blackberries, another line and 2 dates another line. (It's getting a little repetitive.) When you add it all up, it's a lot less than what most people would have, (It's around 150cals max.) but today I'm going down to 5 lines, which will be fun. Another thing is I have to eat little things (dates, grapes etc.) in even numbers, I have to have 2, 4, 6 or 8 so on so forth (8 sounds like to much in my opinion) , I can't have odd numbers. No idea why, I just can't.

 

Anyway, that's all I have for today (aren't you relieved?)

 

-Kit

Another Post!

Two posts in one day, it must be a miracle.

Anyway, here's what happened today:
I bought new school shoes and I bought my own groceries. Why are these things important?
Let me explain.
Ok, shoes. My school has a strict uniform policy and we have to wear black lace up shoes. So today I went and bought some. Then I just spent the last hour "wearing them in" or in my opinion trying to burn calories. I already went for a 50 minute walk today, now another hour and I still have my regular exercise to do tonight. Today is going well.
Buying my own groceries is another good thing. Most of the time I avoid buying food because it's a waste of my money and time, but today I bought things I can actually eat. Last night I wrote down all the foods I absolutely CANNOT eat. After eliminating whole food groups (Meat, Dairy and Eggs.) I had another 37 foods listed. So My groceries were; 2 bags of rice cakes (one plain, one salt+vinegar), 1 packet of multigrain crackers, 1 jar of Promite (sweet version of Vegemite), 1 big bag of dried dates (my equivalent of candy) and 1 bag of grapes. I also bought a food diary and some school stationary.

On another note, I'm obsessed with cooking. I cook all the foods I can't eat. People think I'm just being nice, cooking them meals, full of nasty fried foods and eggs and sugar. But I'm not, I'm cooking it because that way I can do something that involves food but doesn't involve eating. Tomorrow I'm going to bake a fudge for my work. It has 4 (!!) eggs and 3.5 Cups of sugar (again, !!!). The only problem with cooking is I hate, hate, hate the smell of food. It scares me that I might be breathing in calories. The smell has to come from somewhere, which means little food particles floating around in the air. I avoid the kitchen when foods are cooking, or hold my breathe, walk away take a breathe where there isn't any smell take a breathe and come back and hold my breathe again. Once we were bringing pizza home (not my idea of fun.) and I sat in the car and stuck my head out the window. My father thought I was just being silly, but I was so frigging scared.

Another thing, I no longer keep in much contact with my friends because they can't come over because that would mean I have to actually eat something, and I can't exercise in front of them, or weigh myself in the morning, so that throws my whole day out of whack.

Ok, I also need some advice. In three weeks I go back to school. On Fridays I am going to go to bible study straight after school. The problem is they provide us with afternoon tea and then dinner, and I can't eat their food because it's full of forbidden foods. The only problem is that if I take my own foods, I don't want people getting too concerned that I'm not eating enough or trying to "talk to me" about my problems. I would maybe take dehydrated soup mixes with me, but they all have dairy in them which sucks. If I need to eat I would feel comfortable eating 2 dried dates, 2 prunes, 2 dried apricots and 2 crackers, but I'm afraid that would get too much attention. I would maybe be able to manage a tea/coffee as well. Maybe I could say the coffee/tea filled me up. I don't know. Maybe if I say I'm vegan and I'd prefer to provide my own food, it'll be ok. Any advice would be excellent.

Take Care

-Kit

Another Morning Post

I'm down again this morning. Only 300gms to 50.6 but that equates to a whole pound loss (111.6), which is ok, but I was hoping for more.

I'm not going to give you a massive update on everything that happened, while I was gone, but I do own a scale now which is excellent. I weigh myself every morning and every evening before I go to bed. The weight before I go to bed cannot be more than what it was in the morning because that is Bad.

At work yesterday, I was emptying/refilling our dishwasher and my boss went past and accidentally bumped into me. We both apologised, but then he said "Oh it was your fat bum that got in the way again." I laughed because I knew he was trying to make a joke, but deep down that is the truth. I want to lose so much weight that no one will ever say that to me again.

On another entirely different note, my street's power is getting cut today, so I wont be on again until late this afternoon, so again another short morning post. Sorry for it not being longer.

Hope your day is brilliant.

-Kit

A Quickie

It's only 7:50Am here, but I thought I'd say I'm down 800gms to 50.9 (112.3) which is brilliant. Might post later if anything exciting happens. Hope you all have a lovely day!

-Kit

I'm back (yet again)

Well I'm back. There's no excuse for why I was away, except I wasn't really gone, I just wasn't posting. Why am I posting again? Because I found this blog, and I wished I was that brilliant at writing. So I'm back. I'm restricting again and down to 51.6 kg (113lbs) which is still insanely gross, but it's an improvement. I have a meeting with my therapist in exactly a week and I want to be thinner. I haven't seen her for 3 weeks because it was Christmas and New Year's and it was all very busy. I want her to think I'm thinner. I want to be thinner. All my friends have lost weight and soon I will be the fat one. I can't let that happen.

There's too much to fill you in on, so it's probably better if I just start anew. Hope everyone had a brilliant Christmas and New Year's.

-Kit