Ramble

Sorry for not posting anything for a while, I've been mega-busy for school, study etc. Not much to report on the food front, except that I fail. Still no weight-loss. I fail. I'm just so tired. Tired of everything. I wonder if it's jsut that I'm running out of words. There are so many words in my head, but they never make sense to most sane people when I try to explain. Urgh I'm just rambling. I'm just posting to let you guys know that I'm not dead, just MIA.

-Kit

D-Day averted.

You know how today I was supposed to go meet my new therapist?? Well, crisis averted! I was mega-freaking, but then about 30 minutes before my appointment, the receptionist person called us and re-scheduled, because my doctor was sick! Yay! (Not yay for her being sick, but yay for not having to go!) The only problem is I now have two more days to continue freaking until I go meet her. I guess that's to be expected.

New subject. Today I started my bitter foods regime. Pretty much anything sweet-like is off the list. Even healthy foods. So I'm pretty much living on bread, pasta, rice and black coffee. I know that all of those carbs are mega-bad for me, but at the moment I'm just loving being free of sweet stuffs. Not much else to say but,

Take Care
-Kit xx

Parents.

Fuck! My fast today was going well, as usual, but then my parents decided to have a sit-down dinner. We don't usually do it, as not often is everyone home at the same time. It was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. No way I could get out of it, without my parents being suspicious. Hell. I hate this. I hate it all.

7 days and counting.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. Exactly 7 days until I meet up with my new therapist. Oh the joy. Even if I wanted to get better, what the hell am I supposed to tell her? "Oh I used to have Bulimia, but now I'm just a fucking fat cow!" Hell no. I'm freaking, I have no idea what I'm going to do and just urgh. This is so fucking stupid. I need to be at least 110lbs (50kg) by then. I know if I do a three day fast, it'll be gone in no time, but I'm not sure if I can make it. If I start Wednesday, I work then and Thursday and Friday,right over dinner, so I could just come straight home and study read. I'll try my best. I'm going to be super strict and get there. That's how I'm first lost weight last year, a three day fast and then I was addicted.

I've decided to take up skating again. Last year before my Ed, I was eating normally and I skated everyday, I lost about 6lbs (3kg) in a month, eating like a fat-ass cow. So not eating as much and skating and I should do brilliantly. =)

Oh, do you know what annoyed me this week? My parents (as usual), I went to their bathroom to borrow some q-tips, as I had run out. My parents come in and angrily accuse me of what I'm doing. I explain I'm borrowing some, and they go "Oh, we thought you were doing something else." I'm moderately sure that they meant weighing myself as they hold the control over the scale of the house. Fuck them. They're so freaking paranoid and over-protective. It's not even like they give a shit they've called me ugly and fat before, so why do they care if I know what I weigh? I get so annoyed at them, the hypocrites.

I just wish i had a life-eraser. So I could erase all the bad things, all the shit and worrying and fat and all the annoying stuff. I just want everything to disappear. I feel so delusional. I try to convince myself that being thin isn't going to make me happy, yet deep down I feel that's the way it is. I also believe that when I grow older I'll miraculously be happy, and this will all just disappear. I think that deep down I'm scared shitless that I'll be like this forever. Trapped, wanting to be thin, but never quite making it. But I want to grow up and be normal, and not have all this mess weighing me down. I want to enjoy life. I'm hoping that when I meet that miraculous weight that everything will be okay. Because that's the only thing I have left to believe in.