I'm losing myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I only know things in extremes. I don't know when I'm hungry until I'm ravenous, I don't know when I'm full 'til I've binged. I'm not sad 'til I have a depressive episode, or happy 'til I feel like I'm high.

I want to feel like a normal person. To not have so much thoughts and shit in my head. I want to be normal for a week. I don't want to worry about driving, or school, or homework, or food, or weight, or calories, or friend drama or anything. I want to know how normal people live from day to day. I want to be like that. I want to feel like that. But I know that I can never be normal 'til I'm thin enough.

My new plan is to live off black coffee. I hope it works amazingly. I need it to work amazingly. Because I know that when I focus on being thin, nothing else matters. I don't have to worry about feelings or shit because it's all buried beneath the focus. I've felt like that before, and I can do it again. I will do it again.

I'm going to see a therapist on the 9th of August, I told my parents back when I was relapsing and freaking out, and thought being better had made me happy. It hadn't I was still messed up as ever. Well now I'm booked to see a therapist and, oh, what fun I'll have. I'll just get out of it as soon as I can.

I hate feeling so weighed down with shit. Does anyone else feel this way? I mean that heavy feeling in your chest that drags you down. That makes it difficult to breathe, to think, to consider getting up in the morning. It makes me feel so lethargic and I don't want to have to pretend to my family that I'm OK. I mean they know sometimes I'm not OK, on the bad days when I have break downs, but it's getting hard to cope just day to day. That's the part I hate just all of it. But I know if I keep this ED up, that I wont have to worry about anything else. Because nothing else will matter but my calorie intake and my weight. And everything will be alright.

I sure as hell hope everything's going to be alright. Otherwise, what else am I supposed to do?

Take Care
-Kit xx

A Quickie

I'm just letting everyone know I'm still alive. I adore my Chinese exchange student, she's the sweetest thing in the world!!! The students that came over, all of them are my age 16-17, and most of the girls are like 40kg(88lbs)! One of the girls, she is 16 and weighs 36kg(79.2lbs), and is not eating disordered!! She is not bony or scary looking, and I don't know how the hell they do it! Damn genetics...

Take Care
-Kit xx

Fat, Stockings and Thoughts

Today as I was wondering what to blog about, I thought I didn't want to write another post with a lot of questions like my last. But what happens? I think up some things that are questions that I want to share with you all. So here it is:

When does having body fat make someone fat or overweight? Is there even a difference between having fat and being fat?

Here are some definitions I found:

Fat: having an (over)abundance of flesh.

Fatness: Having excess body weight.

Okay so if we go with the first definition, who decides what is an abundance/over-abundance of flesh? If we go by what we see in models and actors, then the majority of the population is fat. If we go with doctors, then what 20% or so of most countries populations are.

If it were up to me, yes I would say I AM fat. Although if anyone else asked me if I thought they were fat, I would say no. I don't know anyone who is fat, although in reality I know that I am thinner than some people I know. So logically I know that I shouldn't be trying to lose weight, yet here I am. I think that my logic is that I don't want to have ANY fat on my body. And I believe this is the case for most Eating Disordered People. For me, having any fat on my body is unacceptable, therefore making me worthless. But again, what makes it so unacceptable for me to have any body fat, while people I know are allowed more? Again I think it is my natural perfectionist behavior and competitiveness. Although I know this is unhealthy, it is my life and I'm quite content with it.

Again today I have answered my own questions, but I hope it makes you think.

Back from my philosophizing, today was my first day back at school. I fucking failed. School=stress=binging. I hate this. My usual school diet is breakfast=apple or a slice of toast, no lunch and a veggie burger for dinner. But being unused to my school diet after three weeks on holidays and being mega stressed as I returned to school, it wasn't that I felt hungry when reaching home. Which is what makes me feel even worse. As my exchange student arrives tomorrow, it will probably mean bigger dinners and fun stuff like that. Oh joy. Although I am starting Nutrition in my Home Economics class this semester, which is going to be fun =). And my exchange student is here for a week, which is alright and manageable.

Oh another thing! I love my new stockings! They're 140 denier (The thickest stockings can go), so they're pretty much like tights. And they're control stockings which I love! (Control means that they come up over your stomach.) As they're control stockings and quiet tight I feel like they're holding me in and it makes me feel insanely thinner and more toned. If you don't own a good pair I'd recommend getting a pair, they're now one of my most favorite possession.

Anyway, I'm not sure how I'll go posting over the next week as I'll be mega busy.
Hope you guys all have fun!
Take care

-Kit

Reasons

Has anybody else ever noticed that a lot of people look for reasons to do things? Another word people confuse this with is an excuse. People want an excuse as to why to do something. For example to eat chocolate (I know that's a bad example here, but hey.). People will say things like "I had a bad day", or "I'm craving something sweet.". They're just searching for an excuse to do something.

A reason is quite different.
Reason: (noun) The basis or motive for an action, decision, or conviction. (Yes I did google that).

So I was doing some thinking (A dangerous past time I know), and I thought to myself "Why do doctors/parents/friends always look for a reason as to why you're suffering from a mental illness (I'm referring to eating disorders or depression, I'm not sure of other mental illness that come under this category.). I mean maybe you don't have a reason. I've always thought that my issues were my reason. Whenever therapists have tried to help me think of reasons I was always like "Can't my issues be my reasons, I don't want to think about my past" But after a lot of thinking, I came to the conclusion today that it was more as a result of my depression.
Again I decided to wonder if there was a reason to that as well.
I've been wondering this a while and I guess there are a lot of reasons (that darned word again), social anxiety, stress, general anxiety, some more anxiety and some worrying.

So I should probably tell you now not to start thinking about the reasons and motivations behind your own actions, because it can take up a considerable amount of time and make you question a lot of things. But I have one more question for you. "What is your reason for not seeking recovery for your eating disorder?" (I'm assuming that if you're on my blog, you most likely have some form of Ed, if not you're welcome here too :) ). Okay, I mean I really couldn't think of an answer for that one. (No I'm not going to go look for recovery, I just don't really have any why I'm not). I mean, is it just that we're so used to keeping everything a secret from friends/family/the world, that we don't want anyone to know? Are we too afraid? I think fear is probably my biggest motivator for not telling my family I'm relapsing. I'm afraid of them not believing me, of relapsing again after attempting to recover, I'm afraid of people reactions, and more stuff like that.

think the fact also is that my Ed helps me actually feel better more than any other form of recovery. I mean it's not like I actually like my eating disorder, it's just that after binging and purging, emotionally I feel better. I don't feel so stressed. I also feel emotionally shit because I feel guilty for losing control. But I'm not stressing and to me, that's the main thing.

I hope you guys didn't mind my ramble (I have a tendency to do that a lot. And go on tangents as well.). And I also hope it helped you think a little bit (But not too much. Too much thinking gives me headaches).

Take Care
-Kit

P.S I might be out for the next week and a bit, as I'm having an exchange student stay, I'm looking for ward to it. don't have too much fun without me!

Today, Tomorrow.

Today so far has been a very good day. No purging! Yay! Tomorrow should be better because I'm working, so it will be easy to not eat much, and I'm missing out on my brothers b-day celebration, so all will hopefully go well. Sorry all my posts have been so short. I'm on a shared computer and I keep thinking someone going to read my posts over my shoulder.
Hope everyone's day went as well as mine.

These Days

These days I'm just trying to control my eating. Which means no binging and purging. Which sucks hell. If you've ever binged/purged had bulimia, you'll know how addictive it can be.
Which makes it really hard to get out of. These days I'm binging about once a day, purging anywhere from 2-4 times. Purging is hell. Absolute hell. To try and stop purging, that means eating normally.
Unfortunately I no longer can tell when I'm hungry or not, which leads to over-eating, then leading to purging. Today didn't go as well as I'd planned. I'll try again tomorrow.
Wish me luck.

The Beginning

This is the beginning. The first post. The start of everything. Not the beginning of my eating disorder. Merely a log of it. Before I get all philosophical I'll tell you about the beginning. The beginning was three years ago when I started high school and gained 4 lbs. I weighed 114 lbs and I hated it. So I dabbled in the eating disordered world of mia. From there my weight has fluctuated, seen therapists and had various arguments with friends and family. I'm here to share my story with you, and along the way to reach my fragile numbers.