Reasons

Has anybody else ever noticed that a lot of people look for reasons to do things? Another word people confuse this with is an excuse. People want an excuse as to why to do something. For example to eat chocolate (I know that's a bad example here, but hey.). People will say things like "I had a bad day", or "I'm craving something sweet.". They're just searching for an excuse to do something.

A reason is quite different.
Reason: (noun) The basis or motive for an action, decision, or conviction. (Yes I did google that).

So I was doing some thinking (A dangerous past time I know), and I thought to myself "Why do doctors/parents/friends always look for a reason as to why you're suffering from a mental illness (I'm referring to eating disorders or depression, I'm not sure of other mental illness that come under this category.). I mean maybe you don't have a reason. I've always thought that my issues were my reason. Whenever therapists have tried to help me think of reasons I was always like "Can't my issues be my reasons, I don't want to think about my past" But after a lot of thinking, I came to the conclusion today that it was more as a result of my depression.
Again I decided to wonder if there was a reason to that as well.
I've been wondering this a while and I guess there are a lot of reasons (that darned word again), social anxiety, stress, general anxiety, some more anxiety and some worrying.

So I should probably tell you now not to start thinking about the reasons and motivations behind your own actions, because it can take up a considerable amount of time and make you question a lot of things. But I have one more question for you. "What is your reason for not seeking recovery for your eating disorder?" (I'm assuming that if you're on my blog, you most likely have some form of Ed, if not you're welcome here too :) ). Okay, I mean I really couldn't think of an answer for that one. (No I'm not going to go look for recovery, I just don't really have any why I'm not). I mean, is it just that we're so used to keeping everything a secret from friends/family/the world, that we don't want anyone to know? Are we too afraid? I think fear is probably my biggest motivator for not telling my family I'm relapsing. I'm afraid of them not believing me, of relapsing again after attempting to recover, I'm afraid of people reactions, and more stuff like that.

think the fact also is that my Ed helps me actually feel better more than any other form of recovery. I mean it's not like I actually like my eating disorder, it's just that after binging and purging, emotionally I feel better. I don't feel so stressed. I also feel emotionally shit because I feel guilty for losing control. But I'm not stressing and to me, that's the main thing.

I hope you guys didn't mind my ramble (I have a tendency to do that a lot. And go on tangents as well.). And I also hope it helped you think a little bit (But not too much. Too much thinking gives me headaches).

Take Care
-Kit

P.S I might be out for the next week and a bit, as I'm having an exchange student stay, I'm looking for ward to it. don't have too much fun without me!