I'm losing myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I only know things in extremes. I don't know when I'm hungry until I'm ravenous, I don't know when I'm full 'til I've binged. I'm not sad 'til I have a depressive episode, or happy 'til I feel like I'm high.

I want to feel like a normal person. To not have so much thoughts and shit in my head. I want to be normal for a week. I don't want to worry about driving, or school, or homework, or food, or weight, or calories, or friend drama or anything. I want to know how normal people live from day to day. I want to be like that. I want to feel like that. But I know that I can never be normal 'til I'm thin enough.

My new plan is to live off black coffee. I hope it works amazingly. I need it to work amazingly. Because I know that when I focus on being thin, nothing else matters. I don't have to worry about feelings or shit because it's all buried beneath the focus. I've felt like that before, and I can do it again. I will do it again.

I'm going to see a therapist on the 9th of August, I told my parents back when I was relapsing and freaking out, and thought being better had made me happy. It hadn't I was still messed up as ever. Well now I'm booked to see a therapist and, oh, what fun I'll have. I'll just get out of it as soon as I can.

I hate feeling so weighed down with shit. Does anyone else feel this way? I mean that heavy feeling in your chest that drags you down. That makes it difficult to breathe, to think, to consider getting up in the morning. It makes me feel so lethargic and I don't want to have to pretend to my family that I'm OK. I mean they know sometimes I'm not OK, on the bad days when I have break downs, but it's getting hard to cope just day to day. That's the part I hate just all of it. But I know if I keep this ED up, that I wont have to worry about anything else. Because nothing else will matter but my calorie intake and my weight. And everything will be alright.

I sure as hell hope everything's going to be alright. Otherwise, what else am I supposed to do?

Take Care
-Kit xx