Ok, Now I Hate My Meds

They suck. Yes, I gain weight more slowly, but I can't keep my thoughts on track. I CANT purge anymore, which is an issue, but it means I'm not binging anymore =D. Unfortunately, I can't keep my mind on losing weight and counting calories and all those lovely things. I miss them, so much. But before I thought, nah I don't have an ED because it's not compulsive, I just purge because I'm fat and I don't want this food in me so I fast, etc etc but now that I can't do it anymore, I realise how compulsive it was, and I can actually see how bad I was. But I want it back. I know it's bad, but being thin will feel so right. Hell, I want to be thin. I see all the tiny girls at school and I hope and pray that tomorrow I will be able to focus. The problem is these pills stop me from purging, but they don't stop the anxiety/depression/suicidal thoughts. They don't stop me from wanting to be thin, which leaves me in this hellish limbo where I'm confused out of my mind. They're a waste of money. I want to conquer them. I will defeat them and get thin. I will be strong.

Oh yay! 5 more days until autumn break! Yay! I'm not doing anything but homework. I plan on seeing no one. I want to be back to 112 in one week. I'm 114/116 at the moment. On another note, I start horse-riding on Sunday! It will be epic. Apparently it's really good for toning your legs, so I'm quite excited. Also, I get my report on Monday, which I'm kinda nervous about but the school counsellor rang my mum and told her to tell me not to worry because I'd done really well. I think that depends on who's opinion of "well" you look at. In my opinion I failed. Everything's a mess in my head. I wish I never had to do anything again. Ever. I just want to sleep until everything feels ok.

So much has happened. So much has not happened. I'm back and losing weight again yay! Medication is stupid. Messed with my head. Then things went back to the way they were before. So I decided to come back. I need to come back. I was lost... Ok, rambling over. Not much has happened that feels very important. Everything feels like a mess in rl and in my head. Only 8 more days until Autumn break and my birthday. I turn 17. I want to be thin. I don't want chocolate or anything gross for easter. I just want to be free. To fly for a moment and escape. I would devour books if I could. Thats all the sustenance I need. Books and music. Books that need to be read: Burn Bright by Marianne de Pierres Ink Exchange by Marissa Mar The Hunger Games Susanne Collins Nightpeople by Anthony Eaton Anything by Tamora Pierce. Really She's Epic. Sorry for the confusing post^^ Maybe next one will be better

I Think I'm In Love...

...With my medication. Why? One of the side effects listed in children and adolescents is weight loss. I have been eating shit for a week and only gone up to 116 when usually I would bounce right up to my set weight of 124. It's also decreased my appetite which prevents me from binging and purging which is excellent. Now I just need to stop feeling so fucking sorry for myself and eat right. Then everything will be perfect. I'll be perfect.

Tomorrow I have my first one on one session with my therapist since hospital. Oh Joy. I might just die. Then Wednesday I have my first family therapy meeting. That one's going to fucking kill me. I can't talk about this mess in front of my parents. I absolutely can't. Fuck. I'm also getting a meeting with my GP too. Woot. I feel so fucking popular.

Hospital hasn't changed anything. It just feels like a weird dream.

Ok, I'm back for good now. (You're stuck with me. Sucks to be you.)
I got weekend leave over the weekend, and was formally discharged after school on Monday. Fuck. I hate school. There is so much work, and now I have two weeks worth of work and assignments to catch up on. I just want to stay in my bed all day. I'm so depressed I can be bothered purging, picking up clothes of the floor, they stay there until i need to get dressed again. I didn't shower or brush my teeth for four days, because what is the fucking point of it all? My life is one big mess.
At hospital when they were waiting until they got me into a stable condition I was in the adolescent ward. Either side of me were two anorexics who were there for re feeding. And I was the fat sack of shit in between them. I hate my life. I wish I could donate it to some poor person who was dying from some disease, because I don't deserve it. I just want to sleep until one day where I can wake up and this mess is over. But I can't. Because I am the mess and I will only be over when I die. So what do I do with my life?

Well...

Ok, so I'm back.
I'm really terribly sorry that I haven't posted for almost a week, but...
I was in hospital. In the mental ward. At the moment I'm on weekend leave,
But, I'm back there until Friday and they plan on discharging me, yay!
I won't go into details about how I got there, etc.
Anyway. Weight. No idea. Hospital food is kinda healthy, and I can't really
do major binges there, but at the moment I'm guessing I'm about 52kg (114.4)
Which sucks. When they admitted me I was 51.9 (114), but that was fully clothed, after
eating and while I had a drip in my arm, so I'm praying it was water weight.
I'm too scared to weigh myself, but I plan on doing it first thing tomorrow morning,
Wish me luck!
Take care

-Kit

oh yay.

Today was a bad day emotionally. It seriously sucked.
Ok, so my therapist said I should get a plant or pet so that I have something to look after, and I really wanted to get a pet, so I said to my Dad, can I get a pet? and he said No. Straight out. He didn't even consider it, because when I was a kid I had a pet and I forgot to take care of it, and it died. I feel bad about it even to this day, but I was a kid. Fuck. It makes me feel so worthless, because no matter what I do, I can never make up for any of the shit, none of my mistakes are forgiven, so I have to be perfect.
Today was also bad food wise, and my toilet got blocked, (Yes, TMI, I apologise profusely) but I unblocked it before it got too serious, so yay. I was probably quite bad today, not just from my Dad saying I couldn't get a pet (I'm not quite that bad.) but also stress from school, and friends etc.
I get so much fucking homework. If I miss one nights homework, I have double the next day and I just feel so fucking tired.
I wanted to hurt myself just so that I could get put into hospital and away from all this shit. I feel like I'm not really for year 11, I'm too fucking young.
Fuck I'm such a whinger. A fucking failure.