I Think I'm In Love...

...With my medication. Why? One of the side effects listed in children and adolescents is weight loss. I have been eating shit for a week and only gone up to 116 when usually I would bounce right up to my set weight of 124. It's also decreased my appetite which prevents me from binging and purging which is excellent. Now I just need to stop feeling so fucking sorry for myself and eat right. Then everything will be perfect. I'll be perfect.

Tomorrow I have my first one on one session with my therapist since hospital. Oh Joy. I might just die. Then Wednesday I have my first family therapy meeting. That one's going to fucking kill me. I can't talk about this mess in front of my parents. I absolutely can't. Fuck. I'm also getting a meeting with my GP too. Woot. I feel so fucking popular.

Hospital hasn't changed anything. It just feels like a weird dream.

Ok, I'm back for good now. (You're stuck with me. Sucks to be you.)
I got weekend leave over the weekend, and was formally discharged after school on Monday. Fuck. I hate school. There is so much work, and now I have two weeks worth of work and assignments to catch up on. I just want to stay in my bed all day. I'm so depressed I can be bothered purging, picking up clothes of the floor, they stay there until i need to get dressed again. I didn't shower or brush my teeth for four days, because what is the fucking point of it all? My life is one big mess.
At hospital when they were waiting until they got me into a stable condition I was in the adolescent ward. Either side of me were two anorexics who were there for re feeding. And I was the fat sack of shit in between them. I hate my life. I wish I could donate it to some poor person who was dying from some disease, because I don't deserve it. I just want to sleep until one day where I can wake up and this mess is over. But I can't. Because I am the mess and I will only be over when I die. So what do I do with my life?

Well...

Ok, so I'm back.
I'm really terribly sorry that I haven't posted for almost a week, but...
I was in hospital. In the mental ward. At the moment I'm on weekend leave,
But, I'm back there until Friday and they plan on discharging me, yay!
I won't go into details about how I got there, etc.
Anyway. Weight. No idea. Hospital food is kinda healthy, and I can't really
do major binges there, but at the moment I'm guessing I'm about 52kg (114.4)
Which sucks. When they admitted me I was 51.9 (114), but that was fully clothed, after
eating and while I had a drip in my arm, so I'm praying it was water weight.
I'm too scared to weigh myself, but I plan on doing it first thing tomorrow morning,
Wish me luck!
Take care

-Kit

oh yay.

Today was a bad day emotionally. It seriously sucked.
Ok, so my therapist said I should get a plant or pet so that I have something to look after, and I really wanted to get a pet, so I said to my Dad, can I get a pet? and he said No. Straight out. He didn't even consider it, because when I was a kid I had a pet and I forgot to take care of it, and it died. I feel bad about it even to this day, but I was a kid. Fuck. It makes me feel so worthless, because no matter what I do, I can never make up for any of the shit, none of my mistakes are forgiven, so I have to be perfect.
Today was also bad food wise, and my toilet got blocked, (Yes, TMI, I apologise profusely) but I unblocked it before it got too serious, so yay. I was probably quite bad today, not just from my Dad saying I couldn't get a pet (I'm not quite that bad.) but also stress from school, and friends etc.
I get so much fucking homework. If I miss one nights homework, I have double the next day and I just feel so fucking tired.
I wanted to hurt myself just so that I could get put into hospital and away from all this shit. I feel like I'm not really for year 11, I'm too fucking young.
Fuck I'm such a whinger. A fucking failure.

Rambling, Rambling

Ok, so 1000 cals is really not my best idea. It sounded like a lot, it felt like a lot, and it was.

It was too much which made me feel like I had been eating all day,

so I binged and purged (don't I always?)

about 3-4 times, which is a lot, for me.

(I usually only b/p about 2 times.)

So new plan. About 600-800 cals a day (500 is an odd number.

Odd numbers are for sucks and 400 is two low, although it is a beautiful number.

It is now officially my goal cals per day. I want to work my way down to it though.)

Oh! I hit 110.2 yesterday, but this morning I was back up to 110.4,

which is upsetting, I'm going to exercise like crazy so I can be under 110 by Sunday.

Working tomorrow which is excellent!

Oh. My therapist recommended that I sit in the car and play with the buttons, and clutch etc until I can actually consider driving without having a panic attack.

Yeah. Thinking about driving scares me to death.

Sometimes just sitting in the car makes me feel like crying.

When my Dad was trying to teach me to drive, he always got really angry,

and when I'm in the car with just one of my parents we talk about my issues,

so I guess now I associate driving and being in the car with stress,

anxiety and upset feelings.

Oh joy. At the moment the thought of sitting in the driver's seat makes me feel anxious.

I'm getting anxious thinking about it. This could go on forever. Change of subject.

Subject Change: I will make a list of acceptable foods instead of UNacceptable foods, yay!

Today was officially my last supper, I ate all the bad foods I wanted,

and now I can never ever eat them again, yay!

No homework done tonight, about 4 hours worth will be done Sunday.

Yes, I know I'm rambling,

but if anyone has any excellent music recommendations

I would love to listen to them, I listen to anything from classical to heavy metal, to trance.

I'm not a country fan, but if you think you can convince me,

I wish you luck and will give it a shot.

I need to start knitting again, actually I will get that out after this post.

Oh! Wintergirls arrived Wednesday, I finished it Thursday night, it was excellent and beautiful, and my friend wants to borrow it,

although she knew about my eating issues last year, but most people who knew think that they have passed, so I hope she doesn't pay it any extra attention.

Today I also read an excellent book called 'Violence 101' which is set in New Zealand. It's the story of a 14 year old boy who has a very high IQ and is placed in multiple juvenile detention centres after he pushes a man off a jetty and the man dies. It's really, really excellent, and not very long if you don't have the attention span for lengthy books. It's written more for teen guys (what does that say about me?) but I found it really excellent and interesting.

I really am rambling now, so I'll shut up before you get too lost and confused.

Hope you all had brilliant days

Take Care

Stay True

-Kit

Screwed up again, same as always

Well, today and yesterday sucked. I went without binge/purging for one day and then I screw it up again. I think the problem is I'm eating breakfast at about 7:30pm, then not eating until 4pm, so my stomach decides it's hungry then. So, tomorrow I plan on trying to eat breakfats, morning snack, lunch, get home from-school snack and dinner. It sounds like a hell of a lot, but hopefully it will kill my urge to binge. I will still place a maximum of 1000 cals, and at least one hours exercise into it.

Wish me luck! 'cos I sure as hell need it.

P.S Wintergirls arrived yesterday, I was so excited, it's an epic book.

Yay Day!

Ok, I am in an epic mood right now! Why? Because this is the first day that has been binge/purge free and I'm within my calorie limit. This is like the first time in 3 weeks I have gone a day without b/ping or eating more calories than I find acceptable. I had about 370 kcals, which I find brilliant.
I also had a meeting with my therapist today, who suggested I have some dried fruit after tea instead of something more unhealthy, which really helped.
I still have an enormous pile of homework, which is really stressing me out, but hopefully they don't keep us at this pace for the rest of the year, else my brain might just explode.
Kirrari: I'm glad someone else finds it normal to cry over Math, this is my last semester of it, because that's all that's compulsory to pass high school. There are three levels of Math and I'm taking the equivalent of standard Math, because I feel if I dropped to the easiest class I would feel like a failure (I've attended all the extended classes until this year, although I really struggled with them.)
I have no Maths tomorrow which is really good, although I do have double chemistry, which is sure to have a lot of homework.

Off to do more homework, as always,

Take Care
Stay True

-Kit

P.S School photo day tomorrow, my photos alway turn out atrocious, hoping tomorrows turns out ok!