Set Weight

I know I haven't been posting, but I've been busy and had nothing to write about.
Until now anyway.

Anyway, just the other day I read an article that claims that everybody has a "set weight".
What does this mean? It means that everybody has a weight that their body likes to stay at.
So, if somebody who had a set weight of 50kg (110lbs), then if they gorged themselves for a week, their metabolic rate would increase in an attempt to keep their weight at 55kg (110lbs).
It also runs the other way, if someones set weight is say 80kg (176lbs), no matter how hard they try they will find it difficult to lose weight.

Luckily, scientists say it's about 50% genetics and 50% what you do.

The original article: http://health.ninemsn.com.au/dietandnutrition/celebritytrends/8097995/are-some-women-just-naturally-slim

Enjoy

I havent posted in a while. Why? I was busy. Not much has happened. I went down to 54 kg (122lbs) a few days ago, but I'm not sure now. I still have no idea what to do about my shit. Nothings changed. Just felt like an update you know?

xx

Ramble

Sorry for not posting anything for a while, I've been mega-busy for school, study etc. Not much to report on the food front, except that I fail. Still no weight-loss. I fail. I'm just so tired. Tired of everything. I wonder if it's jsut that I'm running out of words. There are so many words in my head, but they never make sense to most sane people when I try to explain. Urgh I'm just rambling. I'm just posting to let you guys know that I'm not dead, just MIA.

-Kit

D-Day averted.

You know how today I was supposed to go meet my new therapist?? Well, crisis averted! I was mega-freaking, but then about 30 minutes before my appointment, the receptionist person called us and re-scheduled, because my doctor was sick! Yay! (Not yay for her being sick, but yay for not having to go!) The only problem is I now have two more days to continue freaking until I go meet her. I guess that's to be expected.

New subject. Today I started my bitter foods regime. Pretty much anything sweet-like is off the list. Even healthy foods. So I'm pretty much living on bread, pasta, rice and black coffee. I know that all of those carbs are mega-bad for me, but at the moment I'm just loving being free of sweet stuffs. Not much else to say but,

Take Care
-Kit xx

Parents.

Fuck! My fast today was going well, as usual, but then my parents decided to have a sit-down dinner. We don't usually do it, as not often is everyone home at the same time. It was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. No way I could get out of it, without my parents being suspicious. Hell. I hate this. I hate it all.

7 days and counting.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. Exactly 7 days until I meet up with my new therapist. Oh the joy. Even if I wanted to get better, what the hell am I supposed to tell her? "Oh I used to have Bulimia, but now I'm just a fucking fat cow!" Hell no. I'm freaking, I have no idea what I'm going to do and just urgh. This is so fucking stupid. I need to be at least 110lbs (50kg) by then. I know if I do a three day fast, it'll be gone in no time, but I'm not sure if I can make it. If I start Wednesday, I work then and Thursday and Friday,right over dinner, so I could just come straight home and study read. I'll try my best. I'm going to be super strict and get there. That's how I'm first lost weight last year, a three day fast and then I was addicted.

I've decided to take up skating again. Last year before my Ed, I was eating normally and I skated everyday, I lost about 6lbs (3kg) in a month, eating like a fat-ass cow. So not eating as much and skating and I should do brilliantly. =)

Oh, do you know what annoyed me this week? My parents (as usual), I went to their bathroom to borrow some q-tips, as I had run out. My parents come in and angrily accuse me of what I'm doing. I explain I'm borrowing some, and they go "Oh, we thought you were doing something else." I'm moderately sure that they meant weighing myself as they hold the control over the scale of the house. Fuck them. They're so freaking paranoid and over-protective. It's not even like they give a shit they've called me ugly and fat before, so why do they care if I know what I weigh? I get so annoyed at them, the hypocrites.

I just wish i had a life-eraser. So I could erase all the bad things, all the shit and worrying and fat and all the annoying stuff. I just want everything to disappear. I feel so delusional. I try to convince myself that being thin isn't going to make me happy, yet deep down I feel that's the way it is. I also believe that when I grow older I'll miraculously be happy, and this will all just disappear. I think that deep down I'm scared shitless that I'll be like this forever. Trapped, wanting to be thin, but never quite making it. But I want to grow up and be normal, and not have all this mess weighing me down. I want to enjoy life. I'm hoping that when I meet that miraculous weight that everything will be okay. Because that's the only thing I have left to believe in.

I'm losing myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I only know things in extremes. I don't know when I'm hungry until I'm ravenous, I don't know when I'm full 'til I've binged. I'm not sad 'til I have a depressive episode, or happy 'til I feel like I'm high.

I want to feel like a normal person. To not have so much thoughts and shit in my head. I want to be normal for a week. I don't want to worry about driving, or school, or homework, or food, or weight, or calories, or friend drama or anything. I want to know how normal people live from day to day. I want to be like that. I want to feel like that. But I know that I can never be normal 'til I'm thin enough.

My new plan is to live off black coffee. I hope it works amazingly. I need it to work amazingly. Because I know that when I focus on being thin, nothing else matters. I don't have to worry about feelings or shit because it's all buried beneath the focus. I've felt like that before, and I can do it again. I will do it again.

I'm going to see a therapist on the 9th of August, I told my parents back when I was relapsing and freaking out, and thought being better had made me happy. It hadn't I was still messed up as ever. Well now I'm booked to see a therapist and, oh, what fun I'll have. I'll just get out of it as soon as I can.

I hate feeling so weighed down with shit. Does anyone else feel this way? I mean that heavy feeling in your chest that drags you down. That makes it difficult to breathe, to think, to consider getting up in the morning. It makes me feel so lethargic and I don't want to have to pretend to my family that I'm OK. I mean they know sometimes I'm not OK, on the bad days when I have break downs, but it's getting hard to cope just day to day. That's the part I hate just all of it. But I know if I keep this ED up, that I wont have to worry about anything else. Because nothing else will matter but my calorie intake and my weight. And everything will be alright.

I sure as hell hope everything's going to be alright. Otherwise, what else am I supposed to do?

Take Care
-Kit xx

A Quickie

I'm just letting everyone know I'm still alive. I adore my Chinese exchange student, she's the sweetest thing in the world!!! The students that came over, all of them are my age 16-17, and most of the girls are like 40kg(88lbs)! One of the girls, she is 16 and weighs 36kg(79.2lbs), and is not eating disordered!! She is not bony or scary looking, and I don't know how the hell they do it! Damn genetics...

Take Care
-Kit xx

Fat, Stockings and Thoughts

Today as I was wondering what to blog about, I thought I didn't want to write another post with a lot of questions like my last. But what happens? I think up some things that are questions that I want to share with you all. So here it is:

When does having body fat make someone fat or overweight? Is there even a difference between having fat and being fat?

Here are some definitions I found:

Fat: having an (over)abundance of flesh.

Fatness: Having excess body weight.

Okay so if we go with the first definition, who decides what is an abundance/over-abundance of flesh? If we go by what we see in models and actors, then the majority of the population is fat. If we go with doctors, then what 20% or so of most countries populations are.

If it were up to me, yes I would say I AM fat. Although if anyone else asked me if I thought they were fat, I would say no. I don't know anyone who is fat, although in reality I know that I am thinner than some people I know. So logically I know that I shouldn't be trying to lose weight, yet here I am. I think that my logic is that I don't want to have ANY fat on my body. And I believe this is the case for most Eating Disordered People. For me, having any fat on my body is unacceptable, therefore making me worthless. But again, what makes it so unacceptable for me to have any body fat, while people I know are allowed more? Again I think it is my natural perfectionist behavior and competitiveness. Although I know this is unhealthy, it is my life and I'm quite content with it.

Again today I have answered my own questions, but I hope it makes you think.

Back from my philosophizing, today was my first day back at school. I fucking failed. School=stress=binging. I hate this. My usual school diet is breakfast=apple or a slice of toast, no lunch and a veggie burger for dinner. But being unused to my school diet after three weeks on holidays and being mega stressed as I returned to school, it wasn't that I felt hungry when reaching home. Which is what makes me feel even worse. As my exchange student arrives tomorrow, it will probably mean bigger dinners and fun stuff like that. Oh joy. Although I am starting Nutrition in my Home Economics class this semester, which is going to be fun =). And my exchange student is here for a week, which is alright and manageable.

Oh another thing! I love my new stockings! They're 140 denier (The thickest stockings can go), so they're pretty much like tights. And they're control stockings which I love! (Control means that they come up over your stomach.) As they're control stockings and quiet tight I feel like they're holding me in and it makes me feel insanely thinner and more toned. If you don't own a good pair I'd recommend getting a pair, they're now one of my most favorite possession.

Anyway, I'm not sure how I'll go posting over the next week as I'll be mega busy.
Hope you guys all have fun!
Take care

-Kit

Reasons

Has anybody else ever noticed that a lot of people look for reasons to do things? Another word people confuse this with is an excuse. People want an excuse as to why to do something. For example to eat chocolate (I know that's a bad example here, but hey.). People will say things like "I had a bad day", or "I'm craving something sweet.". They're just searching for an excuse to do something.

A reason is quite different.
Reason: (noun) The basis or motive for an action, decision, or conviction. (Yes I did google that).

So I was doing some thinking (A dangerous past time I know), and I thought to myself "Why do doctors/parents/friends always look for a reason as to why you're suffering from a mental illness (I'm referring to eating disorders or depression, I'm not sure of other mental illness that come under this category.). I mean maybe you don't have a reason. I've always thought that my issues were my reason. Whenever therapists have tried to help me think of reasons I was always like "Can't my issues be my reasons, I don't want to think about my past" But after a lot of thinking, I came to the conclusion today that it was more as a result of my depression.
Again I decided to wonder if there was a reason to that as well.
I've been wondering this a while and I guess there are a lot of reasons (that darned word again), social anxiety, stress, general anxiety, some more anxiety and some worrying.

So I should probably tell you now not to start thinking about the reasons and motivations behind your own actions, because it can take up a considerable amount of time and make you question a lot of things. But I have one more question for you. "What is your reason for not seeking recovery for your eating disorder?" (I'm assuming that if you're on my blog, you most likely have some form of Ed, if not you're welcome here too :) ). Okay, I mean I really couldn't think of an answer for that one. (No I'm not going to go look for recovery, I just don't really have any why I'm not). I mean, is it just that we're so used to keeping everything a secret from friends/family/the world, that we don't want anyone to know? Are we too afraid? I think fear is probably my biggest motivator for not telling my family I'm relapsing. I'm afraid of them not believing me, of relapsing again after attempting to recover, I'm afraid of people reactions, and more stuff like that.

think the fact also is that my Ed helps me actually feel better more than any other form of recovery. I mean it's not like I actually like my eating disorder, it's just that after binging and purging, emotionally I feel better. I don't feel so stressed. I also feel emotionally shit because I feel guilty for losing control. But I'm not stressing and to me, that's the main thing.

I hope you guys didn't mind my ramble (I have a tendency to do that a lot. And go on tangents as well.). And I also hope it helped you think a little bit (But not too much. Too much thinking gives me headaches).

Take Care
-Kit

P.S I might be out for the next week and a bit, as I'm having an exchange student stay, I'm looking for ward to it. don't have too much fun without me!

Today, Tomorrow.

Today so far has been a very good day. No purging! Yay! Tomorrow should be better because I'm working, so it will be easy to not eat much, and I'm missing out on my brothers b-day celebration, so all will hopefully go well. Sorry all my posts have been so short. I'm on a shared computer and I keep thinking someone going to read my posts over my shoulder.
Hope everyone's day went as well as mine.

These Days

These days I'm just trying to control my eating. Which means no binging and purging. Which sucks hell. If you've ever binged/purged had bulimia, you'll know how addictive it can be.
Which makes it really hard to get out of. These days I'm binging about once a day, purging anywhere from 2-4 times. Purging is hell. Absolute hell. To try and stop purging, that means eating normally.
Unfortunately I no longer can tell when I'm hungry or not, which leads to over-eating, then leading to purging. Today didn't go as well as I'd planned. I'll try again tomorrow.
Wish me luck.

The Beginning

This is the beginning. The first post. The start of everything. Not the beginning of my eating disorder. Merely a log of it. Before I get all philosophical I'll tell you about the beginning. The beginning was three years ago when I started high school and gained 4 lbs. I weighed 114 lbs and I hated it. So I dabbled in the eating disordered world of mia. From there my weight has fluctuated, seen therapists and had various arguments with friends and family. I'm here to share my story with you, and along the way to reach my fragile numbers.