Well, things just keep getting worse. It's my fault I know.
For some reason I'm freaking out about having to go to work. 1-2 weeks ago it was fine, now it's the most terrifying thing you could ask me to do. I don't know why, and I really want to quit. It's stressing me out, which in turn is causing me to binge/purge, which is making me feel fat, which makes me feel stressed and so it goes on in a big circle. Yay.
Last night I cried. I can't remember the last time I cried. I always feel awful because other people will be upset and crying at times, but I'm not because I don't feel that upset. I cried because I am fat. And I didn't think I would make my goal by Monday. Other people cry over vaguely sensible things. Normal things. But I am fat. I have gained weight. I have to lose 2 kgs (4.4lbs) in 3 days to be at my goal. I will make it. I will I will I will.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Hell
Hell. Hell hellhellhell.
My therapist asked me to go to a friends place for the afternoon and cook some food, because I knew I wouldn't cope staying overnight. So, Tuesday, I went and cooked some food, and was preparing to go home, when they invited me to stay over night and I couldn't find and polite way of saying no. I delayed them for one night.
Then last night happened. I stayed over. And Binged. And Purged. And felt like hell. And gained weight. Every thing's going to hell. I want to do this right. I need to be under 48kg by Monday. I will be there.
Because I have to be.
My therapist asked me to go to a friends place for the afternoon and cook some food, because I knew I wouldn't cope staying overnight. So, Tuesday, I went and cooked some food, and was preparing to go home, when they invited me to stay over night and I couldn't find and polite way of saying no. I delayed them for one night.
Then last night happened. I stayed over. And Binged. And Purged. And felt like hell. And gained weight. Every thing's going to hell. I want to do this right. I need to be under 48kg by Monday. I will be there.
Because I have to be.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Work
Ok, so I'm not going to update you on the last few days, because thay have been bad. Just plain bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.
But I'm thinking of quitting work when I return to school. I really feel that it's taking up too much valuable studying/exercising time. It's really stressing me out. But I really want the extra money. I'm so confused. I know I can always get another job, but I'm afraid I won't. Because I don't feel good enough. I'm never good enough. I never will be.
I feel so lost.
But I'm thinking of quitting work when I return to school. I really feel that it's taking up too much valuable studying/exercising time. It's really stressing me out. But I really want the extra money. I'm so confused. I know I can always get another job, but I'm afraid I won't. Because I don't feel good enough. I'm never good enough. I never will be.
I feel so lost.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Ok, so yesterday after dinner I binged. Twice. I purged of course, but hell I felt awful. I ended up doing 800 crunches instead of 500, but it still didn't feel like enough. But on the good side I now weigh 48.5 (107), which is 300gms under my goal , which is really good. This doesn't mean that I'm allowed to binge though. Binging is a big no-no.
Also today I have my meeting with my therapist. I plan on lying to her about how much I'm eating (she doesn't weigh me, so she wont know I've lost weight).
Not much else to say, you may get another post at the end of the day. (You won't get one tomorrow morning because I'm out of the house by 8AM to clean my grandmother's house.)
-Kit
Also today I have my meeting with my therapist. I plan on lying to her about how much I'm eating (she doesn't weigh me, so she wont know I've lost weight).
Not much else to say, you may get another post at the end of the day. (You won't get one tomorrow morning because I'm out of the house by 8AM to clean my grandmother's house.)
-Kit
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Ok, so it's the end of the day so here's an update.
Today I was going to do 6 lines, but then by this afternoon I was feeling really, really light headed and dizzy so I took 2 panadols, before stupidly deciding to have some slice. I ended up eating 3 pieces of white choc brownies and 1 piece of choc slice. I then purged. Then I had one piece of white choc slice just to see if I could keep it down and hopefully not feel so nasty.
After that I took my dog for a walk, before feeling really sick like I was going to throw up. Probably because my body isn't used to so much refined sugar at once. I cut my walk short and threw up the remainder of the slice at the end of our street. It tasted really acidy, probably because my body was trying to absorb it before I purged. I'm not going to write the slice down in my book, but I'm not going to have my after dinner dried fruit in an attempt to reach tomorrow's goal. As for exercise, I'm not going to do any leg work, but I will do 500 sit ups. I also did 36 minutes of yoga (I know it's not high impact, but I'm trying to help my body recover.)
Tomorrow I have my meeting with my therapist and I'm hoping that I reach my goal.
Hope your day was better than mine.
-Kit
Today I was going to do 6 lines, but then by this afternoon I was feeling really, really light headed and dizzy so I took 2 panadols, before stupidly deciding to have some slice. I ended up eating 3 pieces of white choc brownies and 1 piece of choc slice. I then purged. Then I had one piece of white choc slice just to see if I could keep it down and hopefully not feel so nasty.
After that I took my dog for a walk, before feeling really sick like I was going to throw up. Probably because my body isn't used to so much refined sugar at once. I cut my walk short and threw up the remainder of the slice at the end of our street. It tasted really acidy, probably because my body was trying to absorb it before I purged. I'm not going to write the slice down in my book, but I'm not going to have my after dinner dried fruit in an attempt to reach tomorrow's goal. As for exercise, I'm not going to do any leg work, but I will do 500 sit ups. I also did 36 minutes of yoga (I know it's not high impact, but I'm trying to help my body recover.)
Tomorrow I have my meeting with my therapist and I'm hoping that I reach my goal.
Hope your day was better than mine.
-Kit
Yesterday was awful. To stop my legs from being so sore, so that I could actually go to work my Mum rubbed them for me and then I put them in a cold shower. (I could never have a full cold shower because my body temperature is usually lower than most people's. I think I could manage a cold bath/swimming pool or ocean though.) That helped, although my legs were still really sore all day. I felt lightheaded, had a really terrible stomachache and had bile that kept rising up my throat. Probably because I was running on only a green tea. I had my lunch break of four prunes. Also, to sit down yesterday I had to use my arms to lower me into a chair, because my legs were so awful.
Ok, so after work I came home and slept until 6:10, but stayed in bed until a little after 7. I decided not to eat dinner, because I wasn't going to exercise that night. So, all day I had a cup of green tea and 4 prunes. But, the good news is that I'm down to 48.9 (107.9), only 100gms away from tomorrow's goal! Which is excellent. Today I'm on six lines, and I'm not going to do my massive exercise tonight, but do maybe 2 hours walking and some yoga to stretch a bit. I'm hoping that will be enough to bring me down.
Wish me luck!
-Kit
P.S I'm really sorry for all the complaining in this post, hopefully tomorrow's will be better!
Ok, so after work I came home and slept until 6:10, but stayed in bed until a little after 7. I decided not to eat dinner, because I wasn't going to exercise that night. So, all day I had a cup of green tea and 4 prunes. But, the good news is that I'm down to 48.9 (107.9), only 100gms away from tomorrow's goal! Which is excellent. Today I'm on six lines, and I'm not going to do my massive exercise tonight, but do maybe 2 hours walking and some yoga to stretch a bit. I'm hoping that will be enough to bring me down.
Wish me luck!
-Kit
P.S I'm really sorry for all the complaining in this post, hopefully tomorrow's will be better!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
I feel like I should post everyday, otherwise, you might never hear from me again. (Now wouldn't that be a shame?)
I'm down to 49.4 (109lbs) I lost 600gms, which is 100gms more than I expected. I completed my five lines with ease yesterday and I decided to go down to 4 lines today. The good thing is I'm working 5 hours today and I get a lunch break and I'll tell my Mum that I had hot chips or something disgusting, when I will actually have 4 prunes. I looooove prunes, but my Mother thinks I eat too much of them, so it's better that she doesn't know. The bad part about working 5 hours today is that I have been exercising more and my legs are hurting like hell. They were stiff yesterday and I didn't want to exercise last night, but I did it anyway and now it's really painful to stand. I work as a waitress, so I'm only my feel all day. At the moment I've just been thinking to myself it's not going to kill you, it's not going to kill you. I'm just praying that we're not busy today, but unfortunately the sky is looking nice and clear which is a bad sign. The good thing is that it's January and January is our least busy month.
-Kit
I'm down to 49.4 (109lbs) I lost 600gms, which is 100gms more than I expected. I completed my five lines with ease yesterday and I decided to go down to 4 lines today. The good thing is I'm working 5 hours today and I get a lunch break and I'll tell my Mum that I had hot chips or something disgusting, when I will actually have 4 prunes. I looooove prunes, but my Mother thinks I eat too much of them, so it's better that she doesn't know. The bad part about working 5 hours today is that I have been exercising more and my legs are hurting like hell. They were stiff yesterday and I didn't want to exercise last night, but I did it anyway and now it's really painful to stand. I work as a waitress, so I'm only my feel all day. At the moment I've just been thinking to myself it's not going to kill you, it's not going to kill you. I'm just praying that we're not busy today, but unfortunately the sky is looking nice and clear which is a bad sign. The good thing is that it's January and January is our least busy month.
-Kit
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