Yesterday was awful. To stop my legs from being so sore, so that I could actually go to work my Mum rubbed them for me and then I put them in a cold shower. (I could never have a full cold shower because my body temperature is usually lower than most people's. I think I could manage a cold bath/swimming pool or ocean though.) That helped, although my legs were still really sore all day. I felt lightheaded, had a really terrible stomachache and had bile that kept rising up my throat. Probably because I was running on only a green tea. I had my lunch break of four prunes. Also, to sit down yesterday I had to use my arms to lower me into a chair, because my legs were so awful.
Ok, so after work I came home and slept until 6:10, but stayed in bed until a little after 7. I decided not to eat dinner, because I wasn't going to exercise that night. So, all day I had a cup of green tea and 4 prunes. But, the good news is that I'm down to 48.9 (107.9), only 100gms away from tomorrow's goal! Which is excellent. Today I'm on six lines, and I'm not going to do my massive exercise tonight, but do maybe 2 hours walking and some yoga to stretch a bit. I'm hoping that will be enough to bring me down.
Wish me luck!
-Kit
P.S I'm really sorry for all the complaining in this post, hopefully tomorrow's will be better!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
I feel like I should post everyday, otherwise, you might never hear from me again. (Now wouldn't that be a shame?)
I'm down to 49.4 (109lbs) I lost 600gms, which is 100gms more than I expected. I completed my five lines with ease yesterday and I decided to go down to 4 lines today. The good thing is I'm working 5 hours today and I get a lunch break and I'll tell my Mum that I had hot chips or something disgusting, when I will actually have 4 prunes. I looooove prunes, but my Mother thinks I eat too much of them, so it's better that she doesn't know. The bad part about working 5 hours today is that I have been exercising more and my legs are hurting like hell. They were stiff yesterday and I didn't want to exercise last night, but I did it anyway and now it's really painful to stand. I work as a waitress, so I'm only my feel all day. At the moment I've just been thinking to myself it's not going to kill you, it's not going to kill you. I'm just praying that we're not busy today, but unfortunately the sky is looking nice and clear which is a bad sign. The good thing is that it's January and January is our least busy month.
-Kit
I'm down to 49.4 (109lbs) I lost 600gms, which is 100gms more than I expected. I completed my five lines with ease yesterday and I decided to go down to 4 lines today. The good thing is I'm working 5 hours today and I get a lunch break and I'll tell my Mum that I had hot chips or something disgusting, when I will actually have 4 prunes. I looooove prunes, but my Mother thinks I eat too much of them, so it's better that she doesn't know. The bad part about working 5 hours today is that I have been exercising more and my legs are hurting like hell. They were stiff yesterday and I didn't want to exercise last night, but I did it anyway and now it's really painful to stand. I work as a waitress, so I'm only my feel all day. At the moment I've just been thinking to myself it's not going to kill you, it's not going to kill you. I'm just praying that we're not busy today, but unfortunately the sky is looking nice and clear which is a bad sign. The good thing is that it's January and January is our least busy month.
-Kit
Friday, January 14, 2011
My Weight Goals and My System
So here we go with another post.
I have a calendar! It's another one of those things where it doesn't sound important, but it is. Why? Because each day I have been writing my weight on it so that I can track whether I'm losing or gaining. I also put weight goals on there, so that by a certain day I want to be that weight. At the moment I'm 50kg (110.2) By Monday (17th) I want to be 48.8 (approx 107.3) because I go and see my therapist. (That's a loss of 500gms a day. I haven't seen her for a few weeks because of Christmas, New Year's, they were moving building etc. It means that I'll have lost around 5kg (10lbs) which is good. That only gives me 3 days in which to lose weight, but I know I can do it.
Also, by the time I go back to school (1st February) I want to be 46.8 (102lbs) because that's quite close to my lowest weight.
Last year when I hit my lowest weight 45kg (99lbs) none of my friends got to see my progress because it was the middle of winter and we have winter uniforms. (Long skirt, stockings, blouse, jumper and jacket.) But we go back in summer where we wear summer dresses. I know 102lbs isn't very low, but it's a fair bit less than most of my friends. (Most of them are all around in the 120's or higher.) One of my friends has a metabolic problem so she's seriously skinny. She really looks like she should be hospitalised or something. She lost some more weight at the end of last year (not by any fault of her own) and she complained to me and a friend "I've lost more weight and now I look anorexic, I want to look like you guys, you guys are like healthy skinny!" My friend and I reassured her that she looks fine, that we're both too fat to be healthy skinny; I don't think it really helped, but I don't know what else we could've done. (I think she does look fine in my opinion, but I want to be thinner than her).
I also want to lose weight before I go back to school because a lot of my friends have lost weight not like massive amounts but enough that it's noticeable. I'm moderately sure that they're just trying to be healthy, but it makes me quite jealous. My friend was talking to me about what she was eating and I said to her "Why aren't I allowed to lose weight? All you guys have lost heaps of weight; I want to lose weight too!" She told me that if I lost any more weight I would be anorexic. That's really not true, because to be classified as anorexic I would need to weigh 102 or less. (That's not including other diagnostic criteria.) In my opinion at 102 I still look just as fat as I did at 124, and I'm never going to get that fat again. I want to feel thin.
Ok, this is getting really long, but if I don't write this all out, it'll just get saved for another day and I won't be able to keep you up to date. I also wanted to tell you how I organise what I eat. I don't count calories religiously because that has driven me insane, and a lot of the stuff I eat I find it really hard to count (2 grapes or 2 dried dates or 2 dried crackers.) and I know more than enough to guesstimate them. I usually try to overestimate, just to make sure I'm not telling myself I'm eating more than I actually am.
Anyway, the main way I organise how much I can eat is by my system which I call lines. I keep a food diary, and each day I'm only allowed a set amount of lines. These past few days I have been allowed eight lines. Now that sounds like a lot doesn't it? But, the way I've structured it, it's not. For breakfast yesterday I had or a tea, no milk, no sugar. (1 line.) Lunch was a rice cake with promite (1 line.) then I had half a teaspoon or promite (1 line.) Then I had 2 grapes which is another line. Then a blackberry, another line. For dinner I had a flavoured rice cake another line. After dinner I had 2 blackberries, another line and 2 dates another line. (It's getting a little repetitive.) When you add it all up, it's a lot less than what most people would have, (It's around 150cals max.) but today I'm going down to 5 lines, which will be fun. Another thing is I have to eat little things (dates, grapes etc.) in even numbers, I have to have 2, 4, 6 or 8 so on so forth (8 sounds like to much in my opinion) , I can't have odd numbers. No idea why, I just can't.
Anyway, that's all I have for today (aren't you relieved?)
-Kit
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Another Post!
Two posts in one day, it must be a miracle.
Anyway, here's what happened today:
I bought new school shoes and I bought my own groceries. Why are these things important?
Let me explain.
Ok, shoes. My school has a strict uniform policy and we have to wear black lace up shoes. So today I went and bought some. Then I just spent the last hour "wearing them in" or in my opinion trying to burn calories. I already went for a 50 minute walk today, now another hour and I still have my regular exercise to do tonight. Today is going well.
Buying my own groceries is another good thing. Most of the time I avoid buying food because it's a waste of my money and time, but today I bought things I can actually eat. Last night I wrote down all the foods I absolutely CANNOT eat. After eliminating whole food groups (Meat, Dairy and Eggs.) I had another 37 foods listed. So My groceries were; 2 bags of rice cakes (one plain, one salt+vinegar), 1 packet of multigrain crackers, 1 jar of Promite (sweet version of Vegemite), 1 big bag of dried dates (my equivalent of candy) and 1 bag of grapes. I also bought a food diary and some school stationary.
On another note, I'm obsessed with cooking. I cook all the foods I can't eat. People think I'm just being nice, cooking them meals, full of nasty fried foods and eggs and sugar. But I'm not, I'm cooking it because that way I can do something that involves food but doesn't involve eating. Tomorrow I'm going to bake a fudge for my work. It has 4 (!!) eggs and 3.5 Cups of sugar (again, !!!). The only problem with cooking is I hate, hate, hate the smell of food. It scares me that I might be breathing in calories. The smell has to come from somewhere, which means little food particles floating around in the air. I avoid the kitchen when foods are cooking, or hold my breathe, walk away take a breathe where there isn't any smell take a breathe and come back and hold my breathe again. Once we were bringing pizza home (not my idea of fun.) and I sat in the car and stuck my head out the window. My father thought I was just being silly, but I was so frigging scared.
Another thing, I no longer keep in much contact with my friends because they can't come over because that would mean I have to actually eat something, and I can't exercise in front of them, or weigh myself in the morning, so that throws my whole day out of whack.
Ok, I also need some advice. In three weeks I go back to school. On Fridays I am going to go to bible study straight after school. The problem is they provide us with afternoon tea and then dinner, and I can't eat their food because it's full of forbidden foods. The only problem is that if I take my own foods, I don't want people getting too concerned that I'm not eating enough or trying to "talk to me" about my problems. I would maybe take dehydrated soup mixes with me, but they all have dairy in them which sucks. If I need to eat I would feel comfortable eating 2 dried dates, 2 prunes, 2 dried apricots and 2 crackers, but I'm afraid that would get too much attention. I would maybe be able to manage a tea/coffee as well. Maybe I could say the coffee/tea filled me up. I don't know. Maybe if I say I'm vegan and I'd prefer to provide my own food, it'll be ok. Any advice would be excellent.
Take Care
-Kit
Anyway, here's what happened today:
I bought new school shoes and I bought my own groceries. Why are these things important?
Let me explain.
Ok, shoes. My school has a strict uniform policy and we have to wear black lace up shoes. So today I went and bought some. Then I just spent the last hour "wearing them in" or in my opinion trying to burn calories. I already went for a 50 minute walk today, now another hour and I still have my regular exercise to do tonight. Today is going well.
Buying my own groceries is another good thing. Most of the time I avoid buying food because it's a waste of my money and time, but today I bought things I can actually eat. Last night I wrote down all the foods I absolutely CANNOT eat. After eliminating whole food groups (Meat, Dairy and Eggs.) I had another 37 foods listed. So My groceries were; 2 bags of rice cakes (one plain, one salt+vinegar), 1 packet of multigrain crackers, 1 jar of Promite (sweet version of Vegemite), 1 big bag of dried dates (my equivalent of candy) and 1 bag of grapes. I also bought a food diary and some school stationary.
On another note, I'm obsessed with cooking. I cook all the foods I can't eat. People think I'm just being nice, cooking them meals, full of nasty fried foods and eggs and sugar. But I'm not, I'm cooking it because that way I can do something that involves food but doesn't involve eating. Tomorrow I'm going to bake a fudge for my work. It has 4 (!!) eggs and 3.5 Cups of sugar (again, !!!). The only problem with cooking is I hate, hate, hate the smell of food. It scares me that I might be breathing in calories. The smell has to come from somewhere, which means little food particles floating around in the air. I avoid the kitchen when foods are cooking, or hold my breathe, walk away take a breathe where there isn't any smell take a breathe and come back and hold my breathe again. Once we were bringing pizza home (not my idea of fun.) and I sat in the car and stuck my head out the window. My father thought I was just being silly, but I was so frigging scared.
Another thing, I no longer keep in much contact with my friends because they can't come over because that would mean I have to actually eat something, and I can't exercise in front of them, or weigh myself in the morning, so that throws my whole day out of whack.
Ok, I also need some advice. In three weeks I go back to school. On Fridays I am going to go to bible study straight after school. The problem is they provide us with afternoon tea and then dinner, and I can't eat their food because it's full of forbidden foods. The only problem is that if I take my own foods, I don't want people getting too concerned that I'm not eating enough or trying to "talk to me" about my problems. I would maybe take dehydrated soup mixes with me, but they all have dairy in them which sucks. If I need to eat I would feel comfortable eating 2 dried dates, 2 prunes, 2 dried apricots and 2 crackers, but I'm afraid that would get too much attention. I would maybe be able to manage a tea/coffee as well. Maybe I could say the coffee/tea filled me up. I don't know. Maybe if I say I'm vegan and I'd prefer to provide my own food, it'll be ok. Any advice would be excellent.
Take Care
-Kit
Another Morning Post
I'm down again this morning. Only 300gms to 50.6 but that equates to a whole pound loss (111.6), which is ok, but I was hoping for more.
I'm not going to give you a massive update on everything that happened, while I was gone, but I do own a scale now which is excellent. I weigh myself every morning and every evening before I go to bed. The weight before I go to bed cannot be more than what it was in the morning because that is Bad.
At work yesterday, I was emptying/refilling our dishwasher and my boss went past and accidentally bumped into me. We both apologised, but then he said "Oh it was your fat bum that got in the way again." I laughed because I knew he was trying to make a joke, but deep down that is the truth. I want to lose so much weight that no one will ever say that to me again.
On another entirely different note, my street's power is getting cut today, so I wont be on again until late this afternoon, so again another short morning post. Sorry for it not being longer.
Hope your day is brilliant.
-Kit
I'm not going to give you a massive update on everything that happened, while I was gone, but I do own a scale now which is excellent. I weigh myself every morning and every evening before I go to bed. The weight before I go to bed cannot be more than what it was in the morning because that is Bad.
At work yesterday, I was emptying/refilling our dishwasher and my boss went past and accidentally bumped into me. We both apologised, but then he said "Oh it was your fat bum that got in the way again." I laughed because I knew he was trying to make a joke, but deep down that is the truth. I want to lose so much weight that no one will ever say that to me again.
On another entirely different note, my street's power is getting cut today, so I wont be on again until late this afternoon, so again another short morning post. Sorry for it not being longer.
Hope your day is brilliant.
-Kit
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
A Quickie
It's only 7:50Am here, but I thought I'd say I'm down 800gms to 50.9 (112.3) which is brilliant. Might post later if anything exciting happens. Hope you all have a lovely day!
-Kit
-Kit
Monday, January 10, 2011
I'm back (yet again)
Well I'm back. There's no excuse for why I was away, except I wasn't really gone, I just wasn't posting. Why am I posting again? Because I found this blog, and I wished I was that brilliant at writing. So I'm back. I'm restricting again and down to 51.6 kg (113lbs) which is still insanely gross, but it's an improvement. I have a meeting with my therapist in exactly a week and I want to be thinner. I haven't seen her for 3 weeks because it was Christmas and New Year's and it was all very busy. I want her to think I'm thinner. I want to be thinner. All my friends have lost weight and soon I will be the fat one. I can't let that happen.
There's too much to fill you in on, so it's probably better if I just start anew. Hope everyone had a brilliant Christmas and New Year's.
-Kit
There's too much to fill you in on, so it's probably better if I just start anew. Hope everyone had a brilliant Christmas and New Year's.
-Kit
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