Ok, Now I Hate My Meds

They suck. Yes, I gain weight more slowly, but I can't keep my thoughts on track. I CANT purge anymore, which is an issue, but it means I'm not binging anymore =D. Unfortunately, I can't keep my mind on losing weight and counting calories and all those lovely things. I miss them, so much. But before I thought, nah I don't have an ED because it's not compulsive, I just purge because I'm fat and I don't want this food in me so I fast, etc etc but now that I can't do it anymore, I realise how compulsive it was, and I can actually see how bad I was. But I want it back. I know it's bad, but being thin will feel so right. Hell, I want to be thin. I see all the tiny girls at school and I hope and pray that tomorrow I will be able to focus. The problem is these pills stop me from purging, but they don't stop the anxiety/depression/suicidal thoughts. They don't stop me from wanting to be thin, which leaves me in this hellish limbo where I'm confused out of my mind. They're a waste of money. I want to conquer them. I will defeat them and get thin. I will be strong.

Oh yay! 5 more days until autumn break! Yay! I'm not doing anything but homework. I plan on seeing no one. I want to be back to 112 in one week. I'm 114/116 at the moment. On another note, I start horse-riding on Sunday! It will be epic. Apparently it's really good for toning your legs, so I'm quite excited. Also, I get my report on Monday, which I'm kinda nervous about but the school counsellor rang my mum and told her to tell me not to worry because I'd done really well. I think that depends on who's opinion of "well" you look at. In my opinion I failed. Everything's a mess in my head. I wish I never had to do anything again. Ever. I just want to sleep until everything feels ok.

So much has happened. So much has not happened. I'm back and losing weight again yay! Medication is stupid. Messed with my head. Then things went back to the way they were before. So I decided to come back. I need to come back. I was lost... Ok, rambling over. Not much has happened that feels very important. Everything feels like a mess in rl and in my head. Only 8 more days until Autumn break and my birthday. I turn 17. I want to be thin. I don't want chocolate or anything gross for easter. I just want to be free. To fly for a moment and escape. I would devour books if I could. Thats all the sustenance I need. Books and music. Books that need to be read: Burn Bright by Marianne de Pierres Ink Exchange by Marissa Mar The Hunger Games Susanne Collins Nightpeople by Anthony Eaton Anything by Tamora Pierce. Really She's Epic. Sorry for the confusing post^^ Maybe next one will be better

I Think I'm In Love...

...With my medication. Why? One of the side effects listed in children and adolescents is weight loss. I have been eating shit for a week and only gone up to 116 when usually I would bounce right up to my set weight of 124. It's also decreased my appetite which prevents me from binging and purging which is excellent. Now I just need to stop feeling so fucking sorry for myself and eat right. Then everything will be perfect. I'll be perfect.

Tomorrow I have my first one on one session with my therapist since hospital. Oh Joy. I might just die. Then Wednesday I have my first family therapy meeting. That one's going to fucking kill me. I can't talk about this mess in front of my parents. I absolutely can't. Fuck. I'm also getting a meeting with my GP too. Woot. I feel so fucking popular.

Hospital hasn't changed anything. It just feels like a weird dream.

Ok, I'm back for good now. (You're stuck with me. Sucks to be you.)
I got weekend leave over the weekend, and was formally discharged after school on Monday. Fuck. I hate school. There is so much work, and now I have two weeks worth of work and assignments to catch up on. I just want to stay in my bed all day. I'm so depressed I can be bothered purging, picking up clothes of the floor, they stay there until i need to get dressed again. I didn't shower or brush my teeth for four days, because what is the fucking point of it all? My life is one big mess.
At hospital when they were waiting until they got me into a stable condition I was in the adolescent ward. Either side of me were two anorexics who were there for re feeding. And I was the fat sack of shit in between them. I hate my life. I wish I could donate it to some poor person who was dying from some disease, because I don't deserve it. I just want to sleep until one day where I can wake up and this mess is over. But I can't. Because I am the mess and I will only be over when I die. So what do I do with my life?

Well...

Ok, so I'm back.
I'm really terribly sorry that I haven't posted for almost a week, but...
I was in hospital. In the mental ward. At the moment I'm on weekend leave,
But, I'm back there until Friday and they plan on discharging me, yay!
I won't go into details about how I got there, etc.
Anyway. Weight. No idea. Hospital food is kinda healthy, and I can't really
do major binges there, but at the moment I'm guessing I'm about 52kg (114.4)
Which sucks. When they admitted me I was 51.9 (114), but that was fully clothed, after
eating and while I had a drip in my arm, so I'm praying it was water weight.
I'm too scared to weigh myself, but I plan on doing it first thing tomorrow morning,
Wish me luck!
Take care

-Kit

oh yay.

Today was a bad day emotionally. It seriously sucked.
Ok, so my therapist said I should get a plant or pet so that I have something to look after, and I really wanted to get a pet, so I said to my Dad, can I get a pet? and he said No. Straight out. He didn't even consider it, because when I was a kid I had a pet and I forgot to take care of it, and it died. I feel bad about it even to this day, but I was a kid. Fuck. It makes me feel so worthless, because no matter what I do, I can never make up for any of the shit, none of my mistakes are forgiven, so I have to be perfect.
Today was also bad food wise, and my toilet got blocked, (Yes, TMI, I apologise profusely) but I unblocked it before it got too serious, so yay. I was probably quite bad today, not just from my Dad saying I couldn't get a pet (I'm not quite that bad.) but also stress from school, and friends etc.
I get so much fucking homework. If I miss one nights homework, I have double the next day and I just feel so fucking tired.
I wanted to hurt myself just so that I could get put into hospital and away from all this shit. I feel like I'm not really for year 11, I'm too fucking young.
Fuck I'm such a whinger. A fucking failure.

Rambling, Rambling

Ok, so 1000 cals is really not my best idea. It sounded like a lot, it felt like a lot, and it was.

It was too much which made me feel like I had been eating all day,

so I binged and purged (don't I always?)

about 3-4 times, which is a lot, for me.

(I usually only b/p about 2 times.)

So new plan. About 600-800 cals a day (500 is an odd number.

Odd numbers are for sucks and 400 is two low, although it is a beautiful number.

It is now officially my goal cals per day. I want to work my way down to it though.)

Oh! I hit 110.2 yesterday, but this morning I was back up to 110.4,

which is upsetting, I'm going to exercise like crazy so I can be under 110 by Sunday.

Working tomorrow which is excellent!

Oh. My therapist recommended that I sit in the car and play with the buttons, and clutch etc until I can actually consider driving without having a panic attack.

Yeah. Thinking about driving scares me to death.

Sometimes just sitting in the car makes me feel like crying.

When my Dad was trying to teach me to drive, he always got really angry,

and when I'm in the car with just one of my parents we talk about my issues,

so I guess now I associate driving and being in the car with stress,

anxiety and upset feelings.

Oh joy. At the moment the thought of sitting in the driver's seat makes me feel anxious.

I'm getting anxious thinking about it. This could go on forever. Change of subject.

Subject Change: I will make a list of acceptable foods instead of UNacceptable foods, yay!

Today was officially my last supper, I ate all the bad foods I wanted,

and now I can never ever eat them again, yay!

No homework done tonight, about 4 hours worth will be done Sunday.

Yes, I know I'm rambling,

but if anyone has any excellent music recommendations

I would love to listen to them, I listen to anything from classical to heavy metal, to trance.

I'm not a country fan, but if you think you can convince me,

I wish you luck and will give it a shot.

I need to start knitting again, actually I will get that out after this post.

Oh! Wintergirls arrived Wednesday, I finished it Thursday night, it was excellent and beautiful, and my friend wants to borrow it,

although she knew about my eating issues last year, but most people who knew think that they have passed, so I hope she doesn't pay it any extra attention.

Today I also read an excellent book called 'Violence 101' which is set in New Zealand. It's the story of a 14 year old boy who has a very high IQ and is placed in multiple juvenile detention centres after he pushes a man off a jetty and the man dies. It's really, really excellent, and not very long if you don't have the attention span for lengthy books. It's written more for teen guys (what does that say about me?) but I found it really excellent and interesting.

I really am rambling now, so I'll shut up before you get too lost and confused.

Hope you all had brilliant days

Take Care

Stay True

-Kit

Screwed up again, same as always

Well, today and yesterday sucked. I went without binge/purging for one day and then I screw it up again. I think the problem is I'm eating breakfast at about 7:30pm, then not eating until 4pm, so my stomach decides it's hungry then. So, tomorrow I plan on trying to eat breakfats, morning snack, lunch, get home from-school snack and dinner. It sounds like a hell of a lot, but hopefully it will kill my urge to binge. I will still place a maximum of 1000 cals, and at least one hours exercise into it.

Wish me luck! 'cos I sure as hell need it.

P.S Wintergirls arrived yesterday, I was so excited, it's an epic book.

Yay Day!

Ok, I am in an epic mood right now! Why? Because this is the first day that has been binge/purge free and I'm within my calorie limit. This is like the first time in 3 weeks I have gone a day without b/ping or eating more calories than I find acceptable. I had about 370 kcals, which I find brilliant.
I also had a meeting with my therapist today, who suggested I have some dried fruit after tea instead of something more unhealthy, which really helped.
I still have an enormous pile of homework, which is really stressing me out, but hopefully they don't keep us at this pace for the rest of the year, else my brain might just explode.
Kirrari: I'm glad someone else finds it normal to cry over Math, this is my last semester of it, because that's all that's compulsory to pass high school. There are three levels of Math and I'm taking the equivalent of standard Math, because I feel if I dropped to the easiest class I would feel like a failure (I've attended all the extended classes until this year, although I really struggled with them.)
I have no Maths tomorrow which is really good, although I do have double chemistry, which is sure to have a lot of homework.

Off to do more homework, as always,

Take Care
Stay True

-Kit

P.S School photo day tomorrow, my photos alway turn out atrocious, hoping tomorrows turns out ok!

Dinner

Ok, so I've just had dinner, it was ok, but not great. I planned on having 2 spring rolls with chilli sauce (100) and 100g shepherds pie (100) and an apple (50). I had that and, pudding (200) and a muesli bar (100). It's not quite qualifying as a binge, but I can't purge, 'cos if I do, then I will binge, which I really don't want.

Not much else to say, except, Math homework sucks.

Laterrr
Ok, so I ate even more (I know, gross or what?) total about 1100 cals, I purged some and am about to go exercise, so wish me luck!

Ok, Later Yet Again
So the exercise was a no go because I decided to actually do my homework over stressing out about. That went shitly. (I know it's not a word, but it's the best adjective for how it went.) I cried. Over Math homework. It was hell. It didn't make sense and it felt like it was too hard. It felt like the world was going to end if I didn't do it. It sounds melodramatic now, but at the time, that's how it was. Luckily I have a lovely older brother who I love to death who is the most patient, kind, helpful amazing brother in the world. He is also a math-whiz and helped me loads.
I also feel good, because although it went shitly and I didn't even do it all, I don't feel like B/Ping (Which is what I'd normally do.) I want to have something sweet, but I won't, because that will just end badly.

*hugs* for tomorrow.
Take care

Tra la la la la!

Tra la la la! Today has been excellent so far. This is only going to be a short post, because I plan on updating later.

Yesterday I B/Ped. Fuck. Probably school stress. It's only second week and I have SO much homework. Today so far has been good, but I won't get my hopes up until I'm sure the day is over.

Therapist meeting tomorrow. Could be good, could be bad, hopefully we will be working on food rules. (List of rules about what makes me binge, what makes me purge etc.)

Pokemon Black&White is released on March 10. I have to be under 110 by then and I can buy it =) It's giving me ages and ages to lose weight, when I'm at 11.4 just now, but that way I can be mega-excited when it comes out. We also have some old friends coming to visit us in March and I wanna be skinny for them. I don't even like them, but being skinny will make it okay.

Wow, this turned out longer than I expected, but hey, update later tonight or tomorrow.

Take Care

Well, today didn't go exactly as planned. It wasn't perfect, but it was better than it could have been.
For breakfast I had a protein shake and a carrot. Then I worked. Lunch I had a diet coke and a caramel slice, which was the nasty bit. I really fuck things up most of the time.
Then I came home had a carrot and now I'm drinking tea. For dinner I plan on having some vegetarian shepherds pie and 2 spring rolls. It's not perfect, but it's better.
I hope tomorrow is better again.

Epic. The letter Q. Fail.

Friday. Sucked. Youth group was hell. I ate a regular sized dinner. In front of people. I hate myself and feel fat. I ate chips. I hate this. I hate me. Fuck I don't want to go next week. I'm making sure I get to take my own fucking food if it poisons me. (I couldn't take my own food because it needed to be refrigerated all day, and I couldn't do that while at school, my sister got sick, so my mother couldn't bring it for me, so I had to eat nasty, fattening, normal people food. Hell.

Ok. Being positive. We are reading 'All Quiet On The Western Front' for English. If you haven't read it. Read it. Now. Go buy a copy. I'm only a quarter way through and I already plan on buying my own copy. If you haven't read it, you don't understand the meaning of life. It really helped bring a new perspective to me on war and it has some epic quotes in it. Seriously. Just read it. Before I hunt you down and read it to you.

Lost more today, but will probably gain some tomorrow because of binging. I plan on only eating what meals I absolutely have to eat. (Dinner in front of my parents. Breakfast is a protein shake because I love them to death and coffee. No lunch. Ever. Snack are permitted, but only healthy ones.)

On another note, I could live off of carrots. They're lovely when you get good, sweet ones. And they go crunch. Mmm. I loves them.

I have so much homework. My school bag weighs about 40lbs. I have so much freaking homework. It will take me all day Sunday. (Oh good, busy=no eating.) I need to get a desk for my room so I can do homework in peace.

I feel like posting a picture today so here we go. Crystal Liu Yifei. I love her. She is so amazing. So brilliant. So beautiful. Perfect.

Take care.

Another Day

Yay! I'm down again today, which is excellent, but I just got home from school and binged. Shit. Tomorrow I'm going straight from school to my bible study and youth group. I'll take my own food to eat, because I'm freaking out about having to eat there, and in front of other people.

Ok, today I had double Math, and it is excellent, because I have a good teacher and some friends in my class. Then I had double Food, which was horrible because we made Devonshire Tea (Scones with Jam and Cream and Tea/Coffee/Hot Chocolate) and everyone was eating them, so I ate one, because I didn't want to draw attention to myself by not eating any. I was freaking the whole lesson about eating them. Then I had double P.E which was fun.

To combat binging-ness, I plan on having a hot drink as soon as I get home because I use sweetener and they take a while to get through, so hopefully by the time I finish drinking I won't feel the need to binge.

Ok, so I started a new school year yesterday. at a little over 112. I failed, and knowing me, why should I expect anything else. I was down a little again today, but I binged and purged which is sucky, but I'm praying I don't gain.

School: I'm not doing nutrition until next semester which is horrible. I don't know anyone in my English class and I got a horrible language teacher. On the plus side my English teacher is epic, as are my Rligion, P.E and Chemistry teachers which is good. Most of my other classes have people know/friend sin them. Oh! An epic guy came back. He spent the last two years around the world because of his father's job. I'm epicly jealous, and want to ask him about it, but I'm too shy to ask him >.<

Anyway, I'm supposed to be sorting out my weekly timetable and doing Chemistry homework, hope you guys have an epic day!

Right, so because I didn't binge I should have maintained or at least lost a little right? I gained two fucking pounds. WTF? I'm hoping it's just waterweight because I did weigh myself yesterday after taking a heap of laxatives, so maybe thats it but fuckity fuckfuckfuck.

Dancing Sparks: Yay! someone actually commented, thankyou I love you! I need to be at 110 by Tuesday because it's the start of the new school year here, I'm starting Year 11. I was planning to be at 103 but that was a few weeks ago when I was not binging and purging like hell.

Tra la la la

No binging today!!! I ate far far far too much, but it was all spread out, so I don't count it as a binge!! I'm so excited I actually feel like exercising. (I have this issue where if I binge I feel like shit and if I feel shitty I don't exercise. It would be logical that if I binged, I would exercise to burn it off, but nope, something has got to be wrong with me.)

I also went and saw Black Swan, which was epic. It's not often that good movies have a sad (ish) ending, but Black Swan made it work. I also ordered Wintergirls yesterday. It should get her Wednesday/Thursday. I'm quite excited. School starts the day after tomorrow. I'm quite excited, I hope I get nutrition this semester! Anyway, I need to go sleep and exercise, have a brilliant night!

Again, hell.

I thought you guys deserved another post so here goes...

Well, hell. At the moment I'm just hoping to be at least 110 by Tuesday, being 103 is fucking impossible.
And it's all my fucking fault. I kept saying I'll do better tomorrow, I won't binge it will all work out...
That never happened. Everyday for the past week I have binged at least once. Usually about 2-4 times. Fuck. I'm now hovering about 112-114, I need to be at least 110.2 by Tuesday. I just need to stop binging. It's not even like I'm hungry or anything. I just eat. Hell. I need to lose 3lbs in two days.

Wish me luck, 'cos I'll need it.

Tired...

I'm so tired.
Not just physically, but emotionally.
I don't want to bother anymore. I
'm tired of trying to get thin, I'm tired of failing, tired of eating.
Tired of living.
I'm not suicidal or anything I just feel so numb and empty, I don't know what to do.
I'm just coasting through on autopilot.

I just want to sleep my life away.